In. Out.

Everyone always has to have so much going on.

Motion.

Sound.

Put on the TV, put on your music, turn it up and tune everything else out.  Everyone.  Your thoughts.  Forget it all.

All I can hear is that incessant music.  The beat won't quit.  It won't stop.

It's driving me insane.

I just want it to stop.

I just want to stop all the commotion.

Block my ears.  With the pillow.  With my arm, with my hand.

Anything to stop it.

Ear resting on one arm.  Hand resting on one ear.

Everything outside is muffled.  I can hardly hear the madness anymore.

Just listening to my breathing, clear.  So clear.

In.  Out.  In.  Out.  In.  Out...

I live for

Everyone is always so back and forth.

I am.

You are.

How do we find ourselves?

I live for those crazy dreams, Alice.

I live for those moments where nothing matters.

Nothing matters.

Then, I decided I don't give a fuck.

I started this post out telling people to stop having their major character flaws and to get over themselves.  Then, I decided I don't give a fuck.  I am just going to go with the flow and not be bothered with people when they're starting to get to me.  Whatever.

Fuck it.

Imagine..

I'm going to be a dreamer.

Flirted.

Drake flirted with me tonight.

I'm not going to tell Neville this time.

Maybe I can just...

"What's wrong?"

....

"I love you."

....

Silence.

I just want this semester to be over.  I wish there was a way that I wouldn't have to finish it.  It's pointless.  There is one class that is going toward my general education classes and the rest are my theatre classes.  They're only going toward my electives.  There's no point.  I hate having to go to them.  I hate being back and forth between the three places I have to go and I hate having no time for myself.  I go to school and Jennifer is ALWAYS in the fucking room when I am and then I have class and I have work.  Work is my favorite place to go on campus lately.  Ugh.  That's not how it should be.  Then here I always feel stuck in here because I don't want to deal with Drake's bullshit and I have nothing to do here but sit around on my computer, or knit, which I've just finished, or play video games or watch a movie.  It gets old.  Then, when I go home, it's for such a short amount of time that my family is all over me and then my friends from home want to hang out and I feel like I'm going to explode because I want to see them all, too, but I need time to myself and then I just feel like I'm letting everyone down like my family when I only come for a night and don't necessarily do anything with them or my friends when they want to hang out and I decline or Neville when I'm just sitting around moping because I don't know what else to do with myself and because I feel so shitty and I am trying to figure out how to make it better and I don't know.

Alice, I kind of feel like I want a break.  Maybe I don't have to officially talk to Neville and "take a break".  Maybe I can just... Not come to the apartment for a week or two or something... 

Keeps talking.

Stewart keeps talking about how great it is being single.

He's making it sound pretty good.

I don't know what to do.

We talked.

I cried.

"I don't know why you're getting so upset about it"

Explanations.

"I'm sorry.  It's all my fault."

Should have told me.

Be honest with me.

How long were you going to put it off?

I'm not trying to talk you into doing it or anything.

I don't want you to if you don't want to.

"I'm scared"

So am I.

"I don't want things to get messed up between us."

That's why I don't want you to if you don't want to.

"I love you"

I love you.

"I don't know what to do"

I don't know what to do.

Maybe I won't cry at work today.

I love work.

I'm not going to say anything.
There's no point.
I don't even really know what to say in this.
I had to take my break.
The dust made me feel like I was dying.
Like my throat is too small and my nose is stuffy and my eyes are itchy.
I love work.

I can't decide.

I can't decide which is more tiring:

Feeling sad or pretending not to be.

Alice.

I'm sorry.

I'm just a huge mess right now.

No exceptions.

I just want to tell everyone off.

Fuck you all.

No exceptions.

Bitter. Angry. Hostile.

Come home.  Bitter.  Angry.  Hostile.

Grab a beer.  Start drinking.

Drake is a fucking asshole.

"Why are we still using that sink?"

Like I'm doing something wrong by washing my hands.

How about because we need to wash our fucking hands, Drake.

Good to know how sanitary YOU are being.

Stay away from me.

The reason not to use the right sink is because the hot water has to stay off or it will flood the bathroom.

There isn't a reason to not use the left sink.

Don't shave into either of the sinks and the problem won't get any worse.

Washing your hands doesn't add anything to the problem.

Go fuck yourself, Drake.

This must be it.

This must be it
Welcome to the new year
The drinks were consumed
the plants were destroyed
and the hors d'oeuvres dismantled.
I'm not smiling
behind this fake veneer.
I am often interrupted
or completely ignored,
but most of all I'm bored.

I'm trying to find out
if my words have any meaning.
Lackluster and full of comtempt
when it always ends the same.

Why won't he listen to me?

Why did I come?
Oh, why did I come here?
These humans all suck.
I'd rather be home
feeling violent and lonely.
I'm not trying to sound so insincere.
but the postcard that's taped to the freezer reads:
"Wish you were here"
How I wish I could disappear.

I'm trying to find out
if my words have any meaning.
Lackluster and full of comtempt
when it always ends the same.

Heads up Damage Control,
there's a ring around her finger.
Last chance for chaging lanes,
and you missed it by a mile.

Why won't he listen to me?

This must be it.
Welcome to the new year.

Don't worry about it.

Alice.

He told me everything he's already told you.

Don't worry about it.

Just.... don't hang all over him when you come over anymore.

Have no attachment to him, okay?

Just, don't even think about him.

I think it could.

I think it could possibly work.

I mean, he still wants to go to dinner and wants you to sleep over and spend the nights in his room with him.

I really do know.

I really do know that this is wrong.

I really do know that I shouldn't do this.

It isn't going to help anything.

It isn't going to make me feel any better.

It's going to make me feel worse.

It's going to make me hate myself.

It's going to make me feel guilty.

I'm going to want to say something.

If I did it would be over.

And my life would become my secret.

He's not stupid.

He could figure it out.

I know this is bad.

I really do.

But things have been set into motion.

They don't actually have to be played out, but it feels like they do.

I know that I shouldn't.

But I'm probably going to.

This is all a bunch of mumbo jumbo.

I'm in a weird mood tonight.

Everything seems off.

Nothing's normal.

Why are you saying those things?

What do you mean by them?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I got the wrong coffee.

I'm sorry, I was just making conversation.

I'm sorry, I want to hear this song right now.

I'm sorry I'm sad.

I'm sorry I cried.

I'm sorry I left.

I'm sorry I asked.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I don't know what to do.

What is my major?

What is my life going to be?

Acting isn't a living, it's a game.  It's a way of life.

Acting like it's all okay.

Acting like it's not.

Acting.

Do what you're passionate about.

What is that?

What am I passionate about?

This is all a bunch of mumbo jumbo.

He's over it now.

Today, I finally became hang-out-outside-of-class friends with some people in my classes.  They're boys.  Sam, Sam, and Aaron.  We made plans to get blazed and go to taco bell.  I was excited.  Neville decided to get pissed at me because I was hanging out with other boys and smoking.  WHAT?!  He said "I don't chill out with other girls and smoke" to which I retorted "you would if they were your friends".  I proceeded to tell him that he would smoke with ANYONE who was offering it to him and not to dare call me the bad guy in this situation.  

Anyway, he's over it now.

Today was our one year anniversary.  We didn't see each other.  We didn't talk that much either.  We're not celebrating it, apparently.

I guess that's all for now.

I'm glad you're feeling spectacular, Alice.

I am feeling fine for the moment.

But I think I'm just keeping my mind busy and staying away from everything that makes me feel shitty.

Alice, darling.

Alice, darling.

I think you should go out on your date with Stewart and see how that goes.

Didn't that other guy not even answer your email when you asked him out?  I mean, STEWART did the asking.  That automatically takes the lead, eh?

Scratch.

Hit me.

Hit me.

Hit me.

Hit me.

Hit me.

You're so drunk.

Hit me.

Hit me.

Scratch.  Scratch. Scratch.