And then he comes in.

And then he comes in smelling like Captain Morgan.

Please.

Hit me.

Hit me.

I want to hurt.

I'm not allowed to do it myself.

Hit me.

Please.

Alice,

Alice,

That is wonderful fabulous.

You're coming with me to get mine, probably in the summer.

<3charlotte

Silence isn't lying, it just isn't telling the truth.

The Topics of Last Night's Conversation:

What do you think of me?

I love you.  I don't think bad things about you.

Do you get annoyed with me?

..No.. I'm sorry if I sound annoyed sometimes when I pick up the phone.  That's my fault.

Do you get bored with me?

Of course not.

Am I, like.... it?

If you mean the bees knees then yes.

...

I love you.  You are my everything.

(You can't say what you want to say, Charlotte.  

It would ruin everything all over again.)

Some Things Are Best Left Up To The Imagination:

He doesn't go to CCRI anymore.

What?  Oh... How do you know?

I... I asked him.  I just... I needed to know.  You don't understand.

And now what?  Now he thinks everything is peachy again, doesn't he?

... he said he wants to hang out and catch up.

Oh, well, if you're going then see you, have a nice life.

.....

Are you that stupid?  Were you considering going?

.....

(You can't say what you want to say, Charlotte.

It would ruin everything all over again.)

Silence Isn't Lying, It Just Isn't Telling The Truth:

I don't want to have to change my number

Why?  That's like.. the only good thing to come out of this.

...

Because, as long as you're not stupid....... it means he'll never be able to contact you again.

...

As long as you're not stupid.

(You can't say what you want to say, Charlotte.

It would ruin everything all over again.)

Not Out Loud, Anyway:

That's the reason I don't want to have to change my number.

Because then if you ever found out he was texting me again,

you would know that I had given him my new number.

There's more.

How do you feel now that you've done this?

I'm not really sure how I feel.

I'm kind of scared.

I kind of regret it.

I'm not really sure what I should do next.

Not really sure what you should do?

Well, I know what I should do.

I just don't know if I feel able to.

...So, what made you do it?

I've been contemplating it for a while.

I've been wanting to know.

I've been paranoid.

What happened?

There was no need to be paranoid after all.

But there's more, isn't there?

Yes..

He wants to hang out again.

Things Necessary

Things Necessary:

1) Repay Kalie - $10

2) Repay Alice's mother - $30

3) Buy a white T-shirt for tie-dye

4) Buy Jennifer a new pan 

5) Go see two plays for class

6) Talk about living situation for the fall

7) Talk about summer jobs

8) Go through/get rid of unnecessary clothes

9) tees, jeans, shorts, skirts, dresses, shoes

10) Organize dorm (my things)

11) Steal the dorm door sign before Jennifer gets a chance to

12) Get a new/organize purse

13) Be more diligent about taking care of teeth

14) Stay on top of school work 

15) Stay confident or pretend to

16) Record with Neville

17) Practice guitar diligently

18) Find more (different) songs to sing

19) Print pictures so to delete them from the computer

20) Grow hair out

21) Finish knitting a scarf

22) Save spending money for the trip to the zoo

Things may be added or removed as needed.  I'll just edit this post.

Never alone.

Never alone.  

Always there.  

Someone.  

Always there.

Neville.  

Jennifer.  

Alice.  

Mother.  

Father.  

Sadie.  

Zane.  

Classmates.  

Work-mates.

Bosses.

Patrons.

Roommates.  

Friends.  

Family.

Strangers.

Never alone.  

Always there.  

Someone.  

Always there.

Never alone.

me or things that matter to me

Things Neville seems to think are more important than me or things that matter to me:

1. SomethingAwful.com  2. his band  3. pot  4. his friends  5. CNN  6. talk radio  7. video games

8. Lost forums 9. etc. of things to read on the internet

swedish and old.

On a completely different note, 

I finally went to the doctor's today.  

He was swedish and old.

He stuck his finger up my ass.  

He had sausage fingers.

We'll see if his advice helps at all.

Something tells me not.

Telephone..

Why are you sad?

Why are you crying?

1. I don't seem to matter to him.  I put everything in my life on hold for him.  Always.  He puts me on hold for other things.

2. I had three really great friends.  They were the only friends I had made at school, but they were all I needed.  I don't know why they stopped talking to me.  I don't know what I did to make them not want to be my friends anymore.  It kind of hurts to see them all hanging out in pictures all over facebook without me.

3. I do have some really great friends.  I just hardly see them.

4. She's leaving.  I am going to have no one but him until she comes back.  I don't really know what I'm going to do.  I guess we could telephone..

??????

Who do you care about more?

What do I have to do to get your attention?

Where are you when I need you?

When are things going to get better?

How can you expect me to be happy like this?

Why won't you listen to me?

Know the answer.

Ask it.  Know the answer, but ask it.  "You didn't listen to any of those songs yet, did you?"

Avert eyes.  Listen to excuses.  "No, I've been busy doing... other stuff."

Roll eyes.  "I knew you'd be mad at me."

Stare at the counter.  Don't look up.  Hear the words.  Hear no meaning.  "I love you."

Say the words.  Say no meaning.  "I love you, too."

Stop breathing.  Stop asking.  Know the answer.  Stop trying.  Stop getting disappointed.

Know what's coming.

Hide the screen.  He's coming.  Don't let him see.  "What are you being so secretive about?  What are you hiding?"

Hiding feelings.  Hiding truth.  Hiding from getting disappointed.  Hiding from disappointing him.

Nothing.  Say nothing.  "Nothing."

He's staring.  "I just came over to kiss you."

What now?  "You would have looked, though."

He's disappointed.  He sighs.  "Well, it's obviously something you don't want me to see."

He walks away.  Can't win.  

Look at him.  Look at him.  He's doing the same thing.  What he always does.

Look at him.  Look at him.  Spit out your lines.  Pounding heart.  "I love you."

"I love you, too."  Smile.  Staring for too long.  Say something.  Change the subject.  Ask what he's looking at.  Don't care.  Anything to avoid his stare.  

Fiasco. Bathroom related.

So, today, there was a mall fiasco.  Bathroom related.

I don't do public restrooms as it is.  But, I really had to pee.  So I bit the bullet and I went.

The lock on my stall was broken.  I sat there for like 5 minutes trying to piss.  And then some lady opened the door and said Oh and closed it (and by closed it, I mean left it open).

That was it for me.  I was like Oh I guess I'm done in here.

Yeah.

Because I'm not.

Okay let me list what I KNOW is happening and then what some possibilities around those things are.

IS HAPPENING:

-People are coming over Neville's to hang out tonight.

-Neville and his mother are going to breakfast Sunday morning.

-Neville is babysitting his nieces on Monday morning.

-Neville is taking me to the doctor's on Tuesday afternoon.

POSSIBILITIES:

-I could go home tonight, but only if you were willing to come and get me, Alice, and then I could sleep over your house and go home when you go to work.  and spend Saturday night home or go back to Neville's.

-I could go home tomorrow sometime and sleep over your house tomorrow and go back to Neville's again the next night to help babysit on Monday morning.

-Neville and I could go to my house Saturday or Sunday night, leaving in the morning in time for either breakfast or babysitting.

I think that's everything.

Personally, I guess the first plan sounds the best to me, but I think we'd need to do some feel good things to keep me cheery.

Because I'm not.

I forgot.

I considered it this time.

I know I told you that already, Alice, but it's kind of a big deal.  Because it would kind of feel worse than killing myself.  

I don't know what I was going to say to him.  I just know it was going to start with "You don't make it easy..."  But I forgot what was going to come next, which is kind of essential.

I feel terrible.  I don't know how I am going to sleep.

Intervention.

So, my mother just called me.  "Do you do drugs?"

Why?

"Do you?"

I want to know why you are asking?

"Because of you and Nick's reactions during that game we played."

I knew you were giving me a weird look.

"......"

.... Not a lot

"*freak the fuck out*"

Dad did it when he was younger.

"Yeah, for a little while and then he stopped.  Blah blah, no wonder you're sick, blah blah, Neville's going to get a talking to, blah blah blah money, blah blah blah cancer."

No, mom.  I don't spend my money on it.  No, mom.  It doesn't cause cancer, why don't you read up on it.  

"... I have to go."

What the fuck.

This isn't cool.

That's all I need.  A fucking intervention.

We had sex. And everything was fine.

Yeah, last night was full of drunk and stupid.  Drake was texting me.  I was replying.  Then I told Neville that he was texting me and he proceeded to text him saying "That's not fucking cool" and I was like OH don't tell him I told you just say you saw, and Neville was like what the fuck, no, grow up and take fucking responsibility, and things got pretty bad.  Like, I packed all my stuff together and almost told you to come pick me up.  And then Neville took his pillow and a blanket and left the room, slamming the door after himself.  I went out to him eventually and apologized.  And I said "You know I hate to be on anyone's bad side, but I really don't want to be on yours" and we exchanged I love you's and he was like, you still need to just learn to take responsibility for things.  And I felt like a terrible person.  Which I can be.  And then, I don't know.  Everything was fine.  We had sex.  And everything was fine.

Oh, I didn't even know she could sing.

Oh my god, I don't know how I can just take it.  I am trying so hard.  I don't know how I'm supposed to not let this get to me.  Whenever they talk about a singer.. They're always talking about how they all want a female singer.  Tania was an option, but now they're talking other people.  Some girl I've never heard of, Gabby.  "Oh, I didn't even know she could sing!" "Me neither".

Guess what.  It bothers me.  I'm never even considered.  *sigh*  I would never be good enough for them anyways.

Guess I'll just sit here and drink and knit and read my plays for school.  Because this is the sad story of my life.

You Said.

Miss Alice.

You said you were going to post because you felt like it and you did not post.  :[

What am I to do?

Not sure what I did

So, I went on facebook this morning, for lack of anything else to do, and I noticed something.

I noticed that Laura had written on Jennifer's wall and Holly's wall about something that was kind of an "all-four-of-us" kind of thing... but she didn't write anything on my wall.  Out of the three of them, I would have at least expected Laura to include me.  I've felt closest to her the entire time we've all been friends.  Apparently, I've been booted out, though, and the only time I see Holly is when she's with Jen or when I run into her at the Theatre building, and I haven't seen Laura in forever, and I feel like Jen only talks to me now because we live together.  

But I don't really need them.  I feel farther away from them.  But I have Neville, and I have you, Alice.  And I'm slowly making theatre friends.  But I only really care about having the first two.  I just feel like I don't care about having any more than that.  Is that bad?  Am I supposed to care?  I just feel incapable of being friends with other people lately.  Like, of making new friends.  And I'm not sure what I did to get out of the loop HERE, but apparently it was something.  Moving the room around?  That would be the lamest reason ever but that's when it kind of started.  Was it just me not being around on weekends?  Because that's also lame.  Make a fucking effort and tell me plans ahead of time.  Be like "We were thinking of hanging out on this day" and I'll be like "Okay, I'll be here".  Unless it was like last time where it was the Duggar wedding, because I don't care about that, or a Jason Mraz concert, because I have no money to spare for those things.  GOD!

I wonder

I am full.  I just had beef ravioli, Chef Boyardee, much like that night at your dad's, Alice.  Except this time I was allowed to cook it.  And it was really good.

I have to leave for work soon.  Working for an hour and then chilling out at the library for an hour and a half, if you find yourself online, I'm sure I'll be bored as fuck.  

As of today, Neville and I have been together for eleven months.  I wonder how many other couples celebrate their anniversary today, or how many are even celebrating their eleven month, of being married, of being together..hmm

Animal Attorney.

Have you ever sat around and thought about the future?  Most of the time, when you try and think about it, you come up blank, or you just come up with the same thing over and over again.  Until new ideas are added; things you've never considered before, never thought of.  

For me, it's always been acting.  I want to be an actress.  It still is that, it's what I'm in school for.  Not a very practical major, not a very practical thing to get a degree in, you don't need a degree to act.  But that's just what I want to do.

I almost feel like college isn't where I belong, because I have so many things I want to do, maybe being a full-time student isn't the best way to go about it.  Maybe just taking some classes would be better, all concentrating in whatever I want it to.  I don't know.  But, anyways.

I want to work with animals, also.  It's something else I'm really passionate about.  I just couldn't figure out how I could do that without getting experience and I wasn't sure how to get experience without majoring in something animal related, which would probably mean a lot of science, which is not one of my stronger points.

Something occurred to me today, though.  Neville has been talking about possibly trying to get into law school for something.  And I was like, well, maybe I could go to law school, too, after I finish my Theatre BFA.  I could be an animal attorney.  I don't know.  It's something I want to look into, definitely, and it's still a few years off.

C-RAZY

I am locked out of my room.  There was a miscommunication between my roommate and I, and now I am waiting for her to get back from class, sitting in the hallway, my weird neighbors just came into the hall and started being C-RAZY, waiting for her to come back, just so I can grab my boots, since it is snowing AGAIN, and immediately leave again for work, then class, then class.  When all I want to do is lay down because my stomach hurts.  But after class, I have to practice my monologue, go to work, and then go straight to my audition from there.  Shit.

Fucking amazing sex.

My audition is tomorrow.  In like, 22.5 hours.  Tomorrow.. Tomorrow I am going to be a miserable thing to be around.  I have to wake up and leave Neville's with him at 7:30 in the morning.  We're having breakfast with his parents.  His father is finishing fixing his car.  Then he is driving me to school.  At least I don't have to take the bus.  But then I've got work, class, class.  Short break.  Work.  AUDITION.  I am going to be tired and nervous.

Wish me luck (but don't say "good luck" because it's acting and you have to say "break a leg" because "good luck" would have the opposite effect.)

In other news, Neville keeps hurting his dick and preventing us from fucking.  I'll elaborate.  First, it was because it was dry.  And fucking would make it worse.  So we took, like, week-long breaks in between.  (If you understand what my sex-drive is like, you know this is a pretty long amount of time.)  But, you know, there was kind of a silver-lining in it, because after waiting, it was FUCKING AMAZING SEX.  Amazing.  So I was like, okay okay.  BUT, the other night, he got drunk and decided to jerk off, twice, apparently violently, because he managed to give himself a cut.  Now, I looked at his dick.  There was hardly a mark, but he's sensitive about it getting better.. Whatever.  I'm sure I would be too.