Feel Special.

I am not important.
I must not matter.
Because if you gave a fuck, you would keep your word, and you would put me first and I would feel special.
I don't want to sound like some kind of a selfish bitch saying "it's all about me". It's not all about me. It is about me, though, when I am talking to you, when you tell me things are going to happen...UGH, you just don't fucking keep your word, EVER. And you don't put me first. And I don't feel special.

I have...

I am so FUCKING stressed out.

I want to cry.

I have no time.

I have class.  I have schoolwork.  I have work.  I have obligations with people.  And now I am required to audition for the play.  The play that I wasn't going to audition for because I can't be in it because I have to work.  That I now am required to audition for.

I have to write 2 mini-plays.  I have to read Hamlet.  I have to read for English.  I have to learn a monologue for class.  I have to memorize a monologue for this audition, which is in a week.  I am already going to have work conflicts with my costume class.  There is no way, unless I quit my job, that I could possibly do that play.  Not that I'll get in the play but I could get like, understudy or something and still have to go to every rehearsal.  I don't even know what to write anymore.  I have other stuff I should probably be trying to do.

and and and

Good for you, Alice.

On my end, things are pretty okay right now.

I don't really know what else to say right now because I'm hungry and tired and I have to walk to Stop and Shop with Neville to get food and spend my money and then come back and watch a movie and wake up early tomorrow to go back to school.

A brilliant start to what should be a brilliant day.

Sure, I don't have anything to do.  I'll just sit around and watch the kids.  No, it's cool.  You know, Alice said she would watch them in the mornings, but I'm still here, so milk it one last time.  Especially today when I have a billion things to do before I leave for school and have to mentally prepare myself for going back to that hell hole of a room where I get to live with Jennifer, who only sleeps and eats and watches TV and freaks out about midterms and finals, so basically I have to be quiet or listen to the TV.  

Well, I am going to do what I can to not be there.  I'm spending, at most, two nights out of the week there.  Definitely Wednesday nights, because I don't have a choice, and possibly (some or all or none) Tuesday nights because it'd be so late and such a hassle that it might not be worth it.  Yeah, That only leaves Thursday night and weekends.  I already leave on weekends normally and I don't have class or work on Mondays.  Thursdays and Fridays I am taking a bus and high-tailing it out of there.  Because, fuck that.

So for now, I get to babysit, and of course Sadie HAS to stay home because I'm babysitting Zane and she can't be "left out" even though nothing interesting happens.  In fact, today, they are going to go downstairs and sit on the couch and watch TV, or they can do it in her room for all I care, and I am going to take my shower anyway, because I freaking have to.  

And mom and dad, that is BULL SHIT that I have only "helped out" 3 times over break.  There have been times that I babysat 3 times in one week.  So, WHATEVER.  Thanks for noticing how much you use me while you can.

New Years Resolutions.

So, I never usually bother to make new years resolutions, because I think they're kind of stupid and nobody ever sticks to them anyways.  They always just revert back to the way they were before.  But there are some things I need to do:

1) Get my license.

2) Not flirt with other boys.

3) Stand up for myself

4) Speak my mind when it needs to be done without putting it off.

5) Not let insecurities rule my life.

6) Be myself no matter what.

I think that's all of them.

I really need to do these things.

For once.

Going to throw it out now.

So, I was going through things that I really needed to get rid of for a while.  Junk.  And I found a note from you, Alice.  There was just a part of it that caught my interest and that I thought was kind of ironic or whatever word I am actually looking for.  

"Charlotte," (this was written in a HORRID shade of purply pink and the rest is in a sea foam kind of color)

"That color was dumb so I changed it.  You're replying to me and talking to boys.  I hope you don't fall for Neville because I believe it's in best interest for you to be single for some time.  It may be hard, and you may feel alone.  But you aren't; you've got me.  Always.  I promise you that. :]  Don't let boys decieve you, you're worth the world pretty much.  Uhm, you're cute.  Love, your bffl."

(yes, you spelled deceive wrong and now we're back to that other color)

"*heart* Alice"

First of all.  Uhm, RPing back and forth at sleep overs?  Haha, good times?

But that Neville part kind of made me laugh... I'm going to throw it out now. <3

My mother.

My mother keeps telling me stories.  Well, not exactly stories.  Just telling me about it, I guess.  About when her and my father were younger.  How they couldn't stand to be apart.  How he would do anything and everything for her.  How she would ask him for a favor, any favor, and he'd do it without a second thought about anything.  And he'd ask her a favor and she wouldn't feel like doing it, and he didn't care.  He didn't require it in return.  He just did things for her because he loved her so much.  No matter what she needed, he would do it for her.  If she needed a ride somewhere, no matter how far, he'd offer to bring her in a heartbeat, just so he could spend the time during the ride with her.  They were in love.  They always will be.  So many people's parents get divorced or think of getting divorced.  I've always known 100% for sure that mine were never going to even consider doing that.  

My mother keeps telling me these things because she's worried that I don't have the same thing.  I don't say anything.  Because he makes everything, except breakfast, seem like a chore.  Mostly driving.  Because of gas.  Because he has no money.  But that shouldn't be the first thing on his mind.  Maybe it isn't.  What do I know about it?  But it feels like that.  I would put gas in his car.  I would do anything.  Just so I could be with him.  Just so he would do anything for me.

A right.

Do I have a right to be upset about these things?  Will I seem like a terrible person if I try and talk to him about these things, and about being upset?  Will he take me seriously?  Or will he roll his eyes about it when I'm not looking?

I want to clench my hair in my fists and scream.

Sometimes.

Sometimes, it's like I'm his world.  It's like he can't live without me.  It's like nothing is more important than holding me.  Than reassuring me of his love.  Than just being with me, even if nothing interesting is really happening.

Sometimes, it's like I'm not there.  It's like I'm not talking.  Like he can't even hear me.  Like my mouth is moving and no sound is coming out.  Because he's distracted.  Because he's playing a video game.  Because he's reading a somethingawful.com forum.  Because he's high or drunk.  Because he's checking up on something on the computer.  Things that shouldn't be more important than me.  Things that should be secondary.  But they seem to take prevalence.  

Sometimes, it feels like he doesn't want to spend time with me.  Like, when he says that he'll come with me somewhere and doesn't.  Or when I want to go over sooner rather than later, and he puts it off an hour more.  

Sometimes, he just says stupid things.  Things that make me feel stupid.  Things that you don't say to someone who is your world.  Things that you just keep to yourself because you should know that it's going to hurt that person.  Like, when I'm trying to tell him about something, and he just says "I don't care".  

When it's not like I'm his world, I spend my time feeling like shit and trying not to cry.  Because I don't feel important to him.  I need to matter most to him at all times.  The way he matters to me.  But when he does these things I feel like I don't matter, and my feelings don't matter.  I can't only matter sometimes.  I can't only matter when he feels like caring.  I just.. feel so unimportant.  Sometimes.

I miss you too, Alice.

I'm sad to hear about Zeus. Another mouse got caught today. The traps have been reset. I also just found out that one of Neville's sister's cats (Winnie) got hit by a car and died the other day. Which is so shitty.
I have a lot to say in this. Or just to say to you. Or to say to anybody, but you're a perfect candidate for that. You're the one I can talk to about things I can't talk to Neville about. But I'm at the apartment and he'll be back in here as soon as he's done doing the dishes. So it'll have to wait. I'll just have to finish my night like every other one lately, trying my very hardest not to cry, not to let him see, pretending everything's great.
I miss you too, Alice.

Three more books.

Alice. I don't know who your last post was to, but it COULD be to me.
If it is...well, I can't remember exactly what it says right now, but we should go on a big adventure sometime, or something like that.
Uhm, yeah, so the apartment had a mouse and no one wanted to hurt the mouse, you know, and also you know that I am all about the animals more than anyone else in that apartment. But I'M the one who persisted that Neville set the traps because the mouse had shit everywhere in the lower cabinets and, yes, it may be cute but it's also filthy so, yes, I had him set them. And we caught it within hours of setting the traps. In the middle of the day. I didn't look at it, but apparently the trap came down and crushed it's head. :/ At least it was over fast?
I technically have a half hour left in work but I have nothing to do so I'm going to go downstairs and check out three more books, even though I never find time to read any of them, and leave. Whatever.
Later.

OMG

Oh my god.
We killed the mouse.

We don't fucking matter.

So first off, Margot is being a super bitch and won't let me use her and my parent's laptop is broken and has to be set up with a monitor like a desktop computer now and that is the only way I can get on the computer at my house.
But that's not why I wanted to post. So here it goes.
There are some things wrong. Some serious things that need to be given action and taken SEROUSLY because they are SEROUS. Serious problems that need to be fixed. That need something done about them before two certain individuals get extremely sick and steps closer to their deaths. So I don't understand why the two people who have the most power to do anything for these two individuals aren't taking anything seriously, aren't listening, are ignoring the problems.
One of those individuals is myself. I am having some serious health problems that are poisoning me slowly and I have tried everything short of going to the doctor's office to fix it and nothing has worked. But they won't make me an appointment, and we don't have health insurance anymore and I don't have the money to go on my own. And it's not okay.
Noticed, anyone, that I've not been as active, not as much fun, not wanting to hang out as often? It's because I spend 98% of my time feeling sick in some way or another. Severe stomach pains. Severe headaches. Nausea. Vomiting. I don't need to go on. It's not good. I need a doctor badly and they just won't fucking listen to me! They think it's all in my head. They think I'm making it up and I don't understand. I feel like I'm going to pass out everytime I go to work. What's it going to take? Am I actually going to have to keel over with toxic shock syndrome or something? AUGH! I feel so helpless.
The other individual that could be helped is my fucking dog, who means the fucking world to me. Who has at least one rotting tooth in her mouth and it would cost like $300 dollars maximum to get it out. And if we don't get it out the infection is going to spread and make her very sick.
But they don't want to spend their precious money on either of us to help save us from our suffering. I guess we don't fucking matter.

The Smooth Away

Today, I have to shower shortly, and then I am watching a movie with Neville.  What movie?  I don't know yet.  I only know that it's going to be one of the Lord of the Rings movies, but I can't decide which one I feel like watching.

It SOUNDS like Stewart is doing the dishes right now and not being his usual useless self.  Not that there were a lot of dishes.  Just stuff from Neville and I having breakfast.  

Neville has never seen the extended Lord of the Rings movies.  I think I want to start at the beginning and, somehow, get through all three of them over winter break.  But that probably won't happen, so that makes me unsure of which one to choose.  

Alice haha the smooth away.  Ha.

Listen, Barnaby..

Alice, I wish you could have come the other night.  But it's okay..  I hope your night wasn't dreadfully boring.

On a completely unrelated note, my tummy hurts and I'm tired.  I think I'm going to call it a night kind of soon.  

I can't remember exactly what it is, but I hate that grammar mistake where people say "of" instead of "have".  You know?

Neville, I love you.

I love Wall-E.

And the music from it.  Yeah man.